The Ten Conyo-mandments

The 10 Conyo-mandments


by Gerry Avelino and Arik Abu

1. Thou shall make gamit "make+pandiwa".
ex. "Let's make pasok na to our class!"
"Wait lang! I'm making kain pa!"
"Come on na, we can't make hintay anymore! It's in Andrew pa, you know?"

2. Thou shall make kalat "no", "diba" and "eh" in your pangungusap.
ex. "I don't like to make lakad in the baha nga, no? Eh diba it's like, so eew, diba?"
"What ba: stop nga being maarte noh?"
"Eh as if you want naman also, diba?"

3. When making describe a whatever, always say "It's SO pang-uri!"
ex. "It's so malaki, you know, and so mainit!"
"I know right? So sarap nga, eh!"
"You're making me inggit naman.. I'll make bili nga my own burger."

4. When you are lalaki, make parang punctuation "dude", 'tsong" or "pare"
ex. "Dude, ENGANAL is so hirap, pare."
"I know, tsong, I got bagsak nga in quiz one, eh"

5. Thou shall know you know? I know right!
ex. "My bag is so bigat today, you know"
"I know, right! We have to make dala pa kasi the jumbo Physics book eh!"

6. Make gawa the plural of pangngalans like in English or Spanish.
ex. "I have so many tigyawats, oh!"

7. Like, when you can make kaya, always use like. Like, I know right?
ex. "Like, it's so init naman!"
"Yah! The aircon, it's, like sira!"

8. Make yourself feel so galing by translating the last word of your sentence, you know, your pangungusap?
ex. "Kakainis naman in the LRT! How plenty tao, you know, people?"
"It's so tight nga there, eh, you know, masikip?"

9. Make gamit of plenty abbreviations, you know, daglat?"
ex. "Like, OMG! It's like traffic sa LRT"
"I know right? It's so kaka!"
"Kaka?"
"Kakaasar!"

10. Make gamit the pinakamaarte voice and pronunciation you have para full effect!
ex. "I'm, like, making aral at the Arrhneo!"
"Me naman, I'm from Lazzahhl!"

Dance. Tonight.

I want to dance tonight. I'm dying to go out - no - I'm desperate to go out. I'll go to the hippest bar, wearing my most wicked outfit. Wait, I may buy a new outfit just for that. I'll dance till my soles burn, burning my feet, and then my entire being. I'll be very happy - even ecstatic. I'll laugh, drink some booze, kick it with the next boy in the bar, and bump some coke, or crystal, or crack. Maybe I'll die, live again, and die the next moment. Maybe I'll cry, but just a little. People will look at me, but then shrug off the idea that play on their minds. They'll think that I'm just fucking happy, or high. I'll cry, until my eyes shed bloody tears, until my eye pops out from their sockets. I want to dance tonight. Just tonight.

The Ex's Visit.

Photo from: http://www.wilmslowhealthcentre.co.uk 

Hey, I dropped by your pad earlier. Since I still have your duplicate keys, I didn't knock - or maybe I was just too comfortable to come in without knocking. I wanted it to be a surprise but I wasn't able to see you there, it was foolish of me to visit at one in the morning after all. When was the last time I went here? Has it been weeks?

I walked past your shoerack. I can still remember the times when you'd come home from work and leave your shoes on the doorway and whenever I put them on the rack, you'd say that it's just a waste of time since you'll be using it again tomorrow. I really don't know why you make small things complicated. We were always bickering about things which are nonsense. Just like the time when I used your sneakers, I apologized but you were very furious so I just kept quiet. I'm happy we got over that fight, though.

Your living room is still a mess, just like the last time I saw it. Soiled clothes are scattered everywere, socks covering picture frames. Pictures of you receiving all those company recognitions. Weren't you the overachiever, the one with high hopes? More often than not, too high that you disregard other people. You hated people who doesn't excel in any field, even calling them stupid, or worthless. You even called me stupid once, when I asked you if troublesome is a noun or an adjective. To be honest, I still don't know the answer.

I planned to tidy up your living room, but I remembered you liked it the way it is. I often reminded you to clean but you said you were busy with all your endeavors. I tried to clean up once, but you got mad and said I have no right to meddle with your things, and make decisions as I please. I'm not sure if you really meant that. I hope not.

Oh, I peeked at your bedroom too. It was almost twice as messy as your living room. Perfume bottles scattered around, even more soiled clothes. That special place. The sacred part of the house. The place where I caught you fooling around with another man. And another. And some more men. You said it wouldn't happen again - but it did - more than I could remember. I got over it, though. I actually want to know how you've been faring in that field.

I was about to step out of the loft when I remembered to check the kitchen. It was the messiest part of the house, I tell you. Condiments spilled and dried up in the table. Broken wine bottles, pots and cauldrons on the floor. Haven't you washed the dishes for weeks?

The huge brawl that we had before I left the house passed through my mind. I can't remember how or why it happened, but it was the first time I snapped back. You were really mad that your hit me with a pan, and I threw glasses and mugs in retaliation. That fight was never settled, at least on your part. I'm okay now, totally at peace. How about you?

You always wanted someone who could dance very well, but I wasn't good at dancing. You were frustrated with my flaw that you wished to never talk about it again.

I just realized, we fought a lot, considering the time that we spent together. You always pointed out my flaws. You hated all my weakness when compared to your achievements. Weren't you able to see them when we were still dating? Some of the fights we had ended really bad that we had to endure cuts and bruises, not to mention the broken furniture that became the weapon of choice during the fight. I know you have toyed with the idea of killing me once or twice, or even more than that. But I'm thankful that you never did it.

As for me, I only thought of that once. Call it bad timing, but the only difference is that I acted on it - literally - with a kitchen knife. It was lying on the table and I picked it up without thought. Stabs. More stabs. Twenty-six, to be exact.

I would like you to know that unlike your assumptions that I don't have any talent, I have great interest in art, especially in french curves. Which is why I drew some on your back that night. I danced too - but I used the knife as the main dancer.

I'm sorry I forgot to wash that knife. Was it stainless?

(This is fiction ha?)

Forget shit. Move on.

Image from:  http://8tracks.com/chuen_music/lets-start-anew 

It's been years since I opened this blogger account, and well, some of the posts before were just vapid. Which is why I deleted them, and decided to start over.

I guess that's what I've been doing lately - starting over. I went back to study after working for almost two years, I transferred here in Laguna, and now living with my family. Talk about total reset. I don't necessarily regret that I've decided on a lot of things, but still, I still have some unresolved issues that I want to address before ultimately moving on with my life.

First on my list is, well, I want to finish my degree once and for all. Studying for almost five years in PNU and to not graduate is such an accomplishment. I let work win over studies two years ago, and now my degree is finally haunting me. Nagpalit ng curriculum ang mga school, and the subjects that I took years ago became part of history, and weren't credited. So instead of being a fourth year college student, balik third year. And the worst part is I have to take up first year classes. Yup, Basic English Grammar and stuff.

I really want to graduate this time. I still remember two years ago, I told my mother that I'll find a job, save enough money to be able to send myself to school. Boy, that was really difficult. My mom still paid for my tuition fee provided that I'll enroll to a college near our school. Sabagay, less hassle sa pamasahe, baon, pagod. I get to have free lodging and food. Kapal 'di ba?

I also had this symptoms of withdrawal from work (and money) when I went back to school. Since the school is a five-minute walk from the house, I was given fifty pesos as baon. Hindi na ako sanay sa ganung set-up. Up until today, I'm still quite uncomfortable with the idea that I don't have enough money and I'm not getting paid every other Friday.

(This is becoming a shallow rant now.)

Regarding my personal issues, I guess I don't have much of a choice but to face it (and maybe publish some of it), and move on... And play golf.